Ok, really. I know I’m not. You’ve seen pictures of me so you know that’s not the case. It makes me sound vain, shallow and kind of pathetic. I know I should be grateful for my body. I know that my struggle to lose a couple unwanted pounds pales in comparison to someone needing to lose 50, 100 or 150 lbs. Told you I was vain and shallow. Just for today. I’ll return to myself tomorrow.
I don’t even really feel fat. Until I get dressed in the morning. Even then it’s more depressing and surprising than thinking clearly my pants have just shrunk. You see, when you’re 5’4″, there isn’t a whole lot of space for 5 lbs to go. In my case, it goes to my hips. Which means my pants still fit fine at the waist, but the hips just sit there stubbornly and laugh at me. And today is just one of those days where my hips laughed a little too much at me and it brought me down to where I am now. I’ve been running, weight lifting, pilateing, walking and nothing will budge.
So I guess I’m just a little frustrated. I talked to my best friend Audrey about it tonight. She used to be a trainer and is always really encouraging. She said well, increase your intensity, or your time, and be more careful about what you eat. I know all THAT. It’s just that I hate denying myself. I hate counting calories, avoiding sugar, eating salads to excess, and considering doing two Body Pump classes in one day. (Don’t worry, I won’t actually try to do that. I am so dead sore from the one class yesterday). I hate the feeling of not being able to cook anything “fun” for dinner because I’m on a “diet”. I’m really good at maintaing. Not so much at losing.
I know I probably didn’t need to eat two eggs and that bowl of cereal after dinner last night. Probably didn’t need 5 extra handfuls of pretzels before dinner last night. Probably could have had strawberries with yogurt instead of with ice cream and two flavors of syrup. Food and I aren’t exactly friends at the moment. Probably shouldn’t have spent the majority of my week laying on the couch mindlessly watching tv. 😦 To be honest, I feel a little unmotivated. Unless I’m in a class or with a friend, I don’t seem to want to push myself. I’d rather give up before I try. Sit and feel sorry for poor little me.
Attempting to pull on my pants (my shirts and I are still getting along), I think how did I get here? When did this happen? I know I’m exaggerating a little. I can’t help a little melodrama, it’s the PMS talking. I’m going to go walk Hunter and think about it all.